Jordan

I met Jordan on Tinder. After a few casual boyfriends and a job that means i always work nights and exclusively date bearded bartenders i decide to broaden my horizons. He is 28, 7 kilometers away and we both like Flight of The Conchords, Johnny Cash and Mini Cooper Australia. Jordan has a slick blonde haircut and what looks to be like a great collection of cardigans and winter coats. In his photos he looks fun and social but not intimidatingly so. Like those people that have really strong friend groups, always attending bbq’s and house parties together, Or guys that are photographers and have very "bondi" fashion sense with their shaggy hair, mini bowler hats and shirts done up with one button. I nope them straight away, i don't like cocaine and to be honest i don't want to go to Splendour in the Grass. "Jordan, you're a massive babe and you look like you have the capacity to read books..." "Bindi, from one massive babe to another. It's a pleasure. And i enjoy your appreciation for emoji.." My tinder tagline is: The little fingers doing the "belissimo" thumb and forefinger together A palm tree The red balloon The radio A Gun A cocktail The prawn The watermelon The airplane (apparently a thirst for travel is statistically highly attractive) The anchor The wave The sun The cactus A bento box A book And the camping scenery. I feel this says "I'm fun, but i'm not a fuckwit" Jordan obviously agrees. We banter a bit but really it feels like i'm just being funny and he interjects comments every now and then or repeats my compliments just slightly reversed. He's in advertising, lives in Melbourne but is in Sydney a lot for work. A few times throughout the conversation i think if he wasn't so hot i probably would have shut it down by now. I ask him a question about which aspect of advertising he's involved with? He says "plz, creative, haha" plz. It reminds me of the poorly drawn Dolan Duck and Gooby cartoons on brown cardigan. I imagine his little blonde face squashed down and drawn in prime colours holding a crayon and drawing a crude picture while saying "Gooby plz, creatives". I keep this thought to myself and say something about how this explains the nice frames on his glasses and his extensive collection of winter wear, followed by three snowflake emoticons and a yellow love heart. We reciprocate mutual adoration for a while and then settle on drinks a Thursday from now. In my head i decide i will definitely sleep with this man, he's got a home run and doesn't know it. Literally all he has to do is turn up STI free and not be too much of a cunt. I turn up to Baxter inn with red lipstick and 6 inch heels on. I’ve spent the last half hour sending picture messages to my housemate of possible outfits I could wear. Fumbling for my i.d i feel a hand on my shoulder. "Binnddddddddi" (slightly high pitched, addressing the fact that we met on the internet and this fat Tongan security guard is probably pretty aware of it). He is short. Not much taller than i would be normally, which is fine, except i dressed according to his perceived height and now my heels make me feel a bit awkward as I physically and mentally look down on him, I make a note to go back through his profile pictures later and see how i missed this. I’m pretty sure he’s used some kind of buzz light-year angle and positioned himself next to other shorter men. He is wearing a three piece suit, which I like and amorous from the get go, which I guess is kind of fun. Something about him is extremely excitable. He is a mix of j'amie (private school girl) and every fabulous gay teen character in every movie ever. We go to the bar and i ask the bartender for a rye whiskey sour and a.....? "Sure, i'll have a whiskey shower too!!" The moustached man behind the bar looks at me and i say "You heard the lady, two whiskey showers!" We sit opposite each other with our legs already interlocked. I start telling a story but i keep noticing that his gaze is falling just past my shoulder. I stop mid point and ask him what he's looking at. He says "Sorrrrrrry" and very effeminately brings both of his slender hands to cover his mouth and then pats down his navy blue suit and looks at me. "Ugggggggh, Don't look now, that girl behind you is wearing a sheer top and she obviously meant to wear a strapless bra but she mustn't have one because she's just tucked her bra straps in but they're hanging out, how awkward". I realise that i'm on a date with a gay man, a gay short man and if we're going to sleep together then i better get pretty drunk. I say that I have just handed in my last assessment for the semester and should we have shots to celebrate. “Naughtttttttty” he say. He asks me to tell him "Something fabulous” about myself that he wouldn’t be able to guess by looking at me. I hate date conversation like this, but I oblige and say that i'm great at swing dancing. He tells me that he's a weapon on the dance floor and starts to do this groove in his seat, i think it's meant to be sensual. He tilts his head back and with his elbows in tight he brings both hands up and does this sort of clicking thing with his fingers while gazing very intently into my eyes, lips slightly parted. Holding eye contact feels like that bit in lord of the rings where the fiery vagina looking thing flashes up on screen and Frodo knows it’s both his destiny and his demise. A few drinks later and he says something about espresso martini’s. I think he’s offering to get me one from the bar but it’s loud and I’m tipsy and what he’s really said is that there is a kit for making them at his hotel, conveniently 7 minutes walk from here. Would i like one? I say sure, even though I think espresso martinis are a drink reserved for wankers and people who don’t know how to order at a bar. I’m slightly confused but we get up and leave. On the elevator ride up to his room "Just the two of us" from the Austin Powers movies starts playing. He says that the elevator can sense how many people are in it and will play songs accordingly. His hotel room is like his personality, there's an air of ersatz sophistication. Above the mini bar in an "emergency bow tie", which he grabs and trys to put on me. I look at him in his suit, complete with silk kerchief perfectly folded in the corner of his pocket and he reminds me of Macaulay Culkin in Richie Rich. He puts on a deephouse remix of "Crave You" by the Flight Facilities and starts doing that dance again. We lock eye, surrounding his pupils I see the Lord of the Rings fire vagina burning before me. I am drunk, and I probably shouldn’t close my eyes again. I notice his crisp white bed sheets and feel this is an appropriate time to mention that i have my period. He’s undeterred. If I’m Frodo then is Gollum, eyes locked on me, he knows what he wants. He crawls over the bed to me on all fours then takes off my shirt and starts biting down my neck. My precioussssss He bites my nipples. Really hard actually, "Fuck” “shhh” He kind of purrs at me and makes a paw movement in my direction then starts to undo his pants. I go down on him and the first thing i notice is that his ball are ridiculously smooth. Like a newborn baby's bottom. I've never been a fan of man scaping but I’m also intrigued as to how he got them so smooth, I’m pretty drunk so in a weird sense the texture is comforting. Not sexual though. He’s moaning like a Japanese girl in a porn film. We get a condom and I feel grateful that at least there is half a millimetre of latex separating us. Recalling this i only really have flashed of moments but it reminds me of the scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall where both couples are having really loud sex in an effort to outdo each other. Except there aren't two couples it's just the two of us, me hoping that if we go hard and fast it’ll be over soon and him sweating away on top of me. At one stage I’m face down on the bed and he slips out of me, he's slurring in my ear "where are you". Like i could be hiding my vagina from him. I don't know how it finishes but afterwards he’s keen for a snuggle. He asks me to stay and be the little spoon, trying to nuzzle into my neck. “We can get room service in the morning” The thought of waking up with a hangover next to Richie rich/Gollum is too much for me. I search desperately for my pants and disappear pretty quickly. On the way back down the elevator sings to me "One is the loneliest number".

Danny

There is something innately sensible about Danny.

His jogger jeans combo, motivational sayings posted on his wall, and framed registration of business name sitting proudly by his bed.

Danny writes lists, ticks them off and listens to business podcasts whilst vacuuming.

It's sexy though, a positive change from the drug dealers, tattoo'd writers and pseudo-Newtown-cowboys of my dating history.

I feel like i can exhale into his presence.
His chamomile tea with the bag left in and going to sleep wearing ear plugs and a sleeping mask.
I think through the people i know and conclude that he's probably the most likely to succeed at getting what he wants out of life.

He listens to spotify with the adds.

When I was younger my mum had a whacky friend called Jan Ford.
Jan Ford of Jan Ford real estate. She was thin and attractive and people loved to gossip about her, I liked her though she was always really encouraging and always hinted at the fact that maybe i wasn't meant for the small town i grew up in.

Once she got drunk at a party and licked my dad's face.
That same night she leaned into my 14 year old ear and slurred to me "the seeecret to marriage isss to marrry the nerd".

She said her husband was such a nerd that when g-strings first became fashionable he was worried about the hygiene of them, like there might be poo particles imprinted on them because because they would go so far into the behind of Jan Jord's tiny bum that he forbade her wearing them.

And While he's not what i'd call "the nerd", I feel like Jan Ford, of Jan Ford real estate would approve of my spending time with Danny.

Tonight I dropped him off to the opening night of Sydney Film Festival. He'd bought himself a ticket, not to enjoy the show but to network.
I'd never seen him in a suit before, Usually he wore track.
He looked Hot.
I told him that he was making me wet and he said not to be cheeky, his suit pants were tight enough as it was.

I go home, make a milo, leave it exactly 45 minutes and then send him a text.

"I want you to tell me to get on my knees and fuck my mouth"

“Fuck Bindi, Stop it”

My degree in gender studies nags at me that i shouldn't feel turned on by acting submissive.

Maybe I channel Marie Calloway, her cum covered face and and recent book deal.

But there's something in handing yourself over to someone.

"I want you to tell me to get on my knees and then fuck my mouth"

"And then I want you to tell me to take my clothes off while you watch me with your cock in my hand. Then you'll tell me to sit on the edge of the bed and spread my legs. You'll put your fingers in my mouth and start to tease my pussy. But I don't want you to give it to me yet because I don't think that you should make it that easy for me. I think you should make me beg you to fuck me, any where you like".

Some time passes with no reply.

I read these back and wish I hadn't sent the last one.

I wish I had said “tell me you want me to stop it”. 

It's seems to fit the part more.

But such is the beauty of hindsight...

A Lebanese Lesbian

A man that looks like Moby performs a lyrical lapdance.
Possibly the whitest gangsta rap i have ever seen.
Between that and rhymes spat at the iranian war i wonder if i should be here.
Their voices perfectly syncopated, coopers pale in hand and looking very much newtown shabby sheik.
I wonder if someone will politely tap me on the shoulder, followed by a curt but quiet "ahem" before i am escorted out of the room.
I write stories about dicks and men that push their poo down the drains at backpackers hostels because that's all i really know.
I ask my ex boyfriend if i'm like those fat female comedians that can only make jokes about their periods and he says "yeah!" like it's a good thing.
I contemplate getting drunk and booty calling him later, but my room is really messy.
He's so organized that he's colour coded his books and i'm pretty sure he's measured the space between them all exactly.
Among other things i have a half eaten packet of Jatz and an empty packet of salami on my desk that i ate for dinner last night.
I decide to leave it.  
There's a free zine that i pick up.
I open the page.
"Even toy dogs get put down".
It resonates with me and i assure myself that i will go home and write more.
Like a whore for the laughs and those odd little clicks dispersed at poignant moments.
There are two cool young lesbians sitting in the corner, biracial couple too.
Fuck.
I'd love to be a cool young lesbian.
Instead i just keep dating men that are in my proximity.
Proximal bias i call it, like a dating cabin fever.
Extra points if you live within a 5 minute drive of my house.
We have sex and then i go home and watch lesbian porn.
I'm not into the short haircut though, i think it might make me look chubby.
I watch so much lesbian porn that it comes up when my housemate asks to borrow my phone to google something.
www.pornmd.com
search
"tribbing"
What's tribbing?
Fuck, can't you use your own phone?
I go to "Heaps Gay" one night and make out with a lebanese girl.
A lebanese lesbian, with her side boob, hand rolled cigarettes and trendy tattoos.
I'd never really pictured myself with tattoos though, and i'm not much of a smoker.
So there goes that i guess.